15 Things To Do At Walmart Cullen Style
by twilighters-anonymous
Summary: Ever get those annoying, yet funny chain e-mails that say stuff like “15 Things To Do At Walmart”? This is what happens when Bella gets one and decides to enlist the Cullens to help her actually do them!
1. The Cullens Go To WallyWorld

DISCLAIMER: none of this is mine, not even Wal-Mart (darn) characters belong to stephenie meyer i just like to play house with them, i'll put them away when i'm done!

Chapter 1: The Cullens Go To Wally-World

"Bella? What's going on?" Edward was referring to the fact that I was sitting at my decrepit computer hunched over laughing hysterically. I tried to take deep breathes the calm myself down enough to answer him. When the laughter was turned down to a giggle, I turned to explain.

He was sitting on my bed, smiling my favorite crooked smile, which made my heart stutter. Once my heartbeat returned to normal─as normal as it could ever be around him─I explained, "I was just checking my e-mail and I got a really funny one from Angela. It's '15 Things To Do At Walmart'." Another giggle slipped out just thinking about it.

Suddenly, I got a great idea. I turned back to the e-mail and pressed "print". When the printer finally spit the paper out I grabbed it and started walking toward the door, motioning for Edward to follow. He gave me a confused look, but followed.

He didn't say anything until we were in the Volvo pulling out of my driveway. "So, do you mind telling me where we're going or do I have to guess?" he asked.

"We are going to your house so we can get Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie," I answered. I decided not to tell him my plan until we got to his house so I could watch him squirm a little, trying to figure out what was going on in my head.

"And why are we doing this?" he wondered, just like I knew he would.

"You'll find out when we get there."

"You're not going to tell me?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Because I want to wait until I can tell everyone at the same time." I looked over at him to see if he was getting frustrated yet. He was always so beautiful when he was frustrated. To my surprise his face was calm and smooth, but in his eyes there was a small hint of frustration that he couldn't hide. I smiled to myself. Would I ever get used to his beauty?

He didn't say anything more until we were at his house. Edward parked the Volvo outside the mansion, not bothering to use the garage, he must of known that we wouldn't be here for long. He got out of the car and was opening the door for me in seconds. He offered me his hand and lead the way inside his house. Alice had obviously 'seen' what I was planning and told the others, they were all waiting for us and began asking questions as soon as we entered.

"Okay Bella, what's your big plan for us all to have a fun, non-boring evening?" Emmett cheerfully asked.

"You didn't tell them?" I asked Alice. I thought she would have gave them a full description of our night already.

"No, I thought I would let you do that," she replied. I could see she was already excited, she was bouncing up and down, smiling hugely.

"Well," I began, "Today I was reading this e-mail, it listed 15 thing you could do at Walmart, you know, to freak other customers out, annoy the employees, or just get a good laugh. So I thought we could drive to the Walmart in Port Angeles and try some of them." I looked around the room at everyone to see their reaction. They were all smiling deviously and looked excited, even Rosalie, who hated Walmart.

"Yes!" Emmett hollered. "I've been bored all day. What are we waiting for? Let's go!" He started moving towards the door, but before he could make it out, Edward stopped him.

Edward turned around to face me. "Bella, exactly, what kinds of things are we talking about?" he asked warily.

"Um..." I muttered as I pulled out the list out of my back pocket. "15 things to do at Walmart," I began to read each. Every so often I would hear a chuckle or Emmett would laugh loudly. At one point Jasper had to send a wave of calm his way just to shut him up.

By the time we got to Port Angeles we had already decided who would do what. Edward pulled into the parking lot of the Walmart and we recapped. We decided to meet back at the car in two hours, leaving us plenty of time to pull our pranks and do whatever else we wanted. For me it was to avoid Alice and her mood for a shopping spree.

We all made our way into the store and split up, of course Edward decided he and I should stay together, so he could protect me from the 'dangers of Walmart'. First we would do my tasks, which included making a trail of tomato juice to rest rooms─I of course did not pick this, but since I was the only one that could actually happen to, I had to do it. I also had to get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting 'Go, Pikachu, go!'─I was the only one who actually understood that one. The last one I had to do involved Edward too, when a clerk asked if they could help me, I supposed to start crying and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" while Edward gave the person dirty looks and trying to comfort me.

I made my way to the food aisles, pulling Edward along with me, while he chuckled about what was to come. When we reached the tomato sauce I turned to Edward for help, "What kind do you think we should use?" I asked him.

He looked a little puzzled, "How do you presume I should know? You're the expert on food," he pointed out.

"Well," I began, "You're the expert on blood. I want to get one that resembles blood the most. If we're going to do this, I want it to look authentic." Why do this half way?

"Okay then," he leaned closer to get a good look at each one's color and texture. After a few moments of careful consideration, he finally grabbed a generic brand of sauce in chunky style.

"Are you sure?" I asked with heavy sarcasm.

"Yes, love. I am quite sure." he replied very seriously. We made our way to the restrooms. I unscrewed the lid off the tomato sauce jar and began pouring it little by little, making a trail to the women's door, while Edward 'listened' for anyone coming. Surprisingly, the sauce looked an awful lot like blood, it made my stomach churn. When I was finished I dumped the jar in a nearby trash can, while Edward examined my work.

"Nice job, love," he whispered in my ear as he wrapped his arm around my waist and began leading me away from the 'blood'. "It almost makes me thirsty," he laughed in my ear before he kissed the top of my head. He lead me towards the toy section. When we reached the bouncy balls I took three that were sitting in one of those cages in the middle of the aisle. The weird thing was, they actually resembled 'Pokemon balls'.

We walked over to a fairly crowded aisle. I made sure there were no breakables around. I threw the first ball, and caught the attention of a few girls, who had been ogling at Edward, then I threw the second ball, and the next. Finally, I yelled with as much seriousness and enthusiasm as was possible, "Go, Pikachu, go!" Everyone stared at me for a second before laughing. If my face wasn't already red from laughing, I would have blushed. Edward was laughing just as much as me. If it were possible, tears would probably be streaming down his face. He kind of reminded me of Emmett. "Did those things look fun to you?" I asked Edward when the laughter finally subsided enough to breathe, let alone talk.

"Yes, they did in fact look very enjoyable," he said, trying to ease his laughter.

"Good," I said smiling deviously at him, "It's your turn to help cause a little chaos."


	2. Edward in Walmart

Chapter 2: Edward in Walmart

_**(A/N)**_ _**Alright, now I don't know if the first chapter of this was really funny or if ya'll where just on crack. I'm betting on the last one. But anyway here is the second chapter you crack heads! BTW I was rocking out to Taylor Swift, while writing this so sorry if Edward breaks out into "Our Song". Anyway, Enjoy! – twilighters-anonymous **_

**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to the very talented Stephenie Meyer. I just like to play house

with them, I'll be sure to put them away when I'm done. No matter what they tell you, you cannot

buy Edward Cullen on ebay, believe me, I've tried, you just get some old guy from Switzerland.

(Edward POV)

"Okay, here he comes," I murmured quietly to Bella. "Get ready."

We were standing in the middle of 'Lawn and Garden' section at Walmart, preparing to cause a little bit of a scene with one of the sales clerks who was on his way to ask us if we needed any assistants

'_Wow, that girl is really hot! I wonder if she's with that guy. Oh, well, he's probably a jerk.' _the clerk thought. I wrapped my arm around Bella's waist and pulled her closer to me. Suppressing a growl at the clerk's thoughts. I didn't want to give him any reason not to come over to us. Besides, it really wasn't his fault, Bella did look exceptionally beautiful today.

She was wearing a lovely blue blouse and a khakis skirt. Did she always have to be so tempting? And her smell... I swallowed the venom that had built in my throat, quickly regaining control of _that_ side of me. It wasn't so hard now to resist her. But I was very happy that the temptation would soon be over. Only three more weeks until I finally call her my wife. My mind started to wonder to our honeymoon. When the wait would be over and I could finally have Bella to myself, _all_ of her.

I was brought back to the present with the clerk's cheery salesman voice. "Hello, is there anything I can help you with today?" he asked, looking back and forth between me and Bella. Suddenly, Bella started sniffling and her eyes began tearing up.

"Oh, no, now you've done it," I said to the confused employee as Bella started a full-on crying jag.

"Why can't you people just leave me alone?" Bella practically yelled at the clerk.

"E-excuse me?" asked the dumbfounded salesman.

"Why would you do that to someone?" I glanced down at his name tag that said 'Hello! My name is Brandt!'with one of those yellow smiley faces on it. "Why, Brandt?"

A few people had started staring between us and Brandt.

'_I wonder what he did to the poor girl. Some people can be so mean.'_ was what most of the thoughts were.

"_Oh, man! What did I do? I just asked if I could help her! Man! The boss is so gonna fire me!' _was what Brandt was thinking. I really hoped he wouldn't get fired. I turned to comfort Bella by rubbing her back soothingly. "Shh, it's okay Bella, sweetheart," I said in a calming voice. She turned away from the clerk and stuck her head in my chest.

She took a few ragged breaths before stuttering, "I-I just w-want t-to go h-h-home!" her crying got a little louder and she started shaking. It really looked and sounded like she was crying, but I knew better, she was trying so hard not to laugh. I figured we should leave before she blew our cover with laughter. Besides, I was about to crack at any moment as well.

I gave Brandt, who was beginning to back away, one last dark look before he turned around and walked quickly away. _'Got to get away, got to get away!' _he thought.

I turned back to Bella and began leading her past the gathered crowd and out of the 'Lawn and Garden' section. Once I was sure we were far enough away, I released all of my built up laughter, Bella did the same. Distantly, I could hear the voices of Brandt and the store manager, who had apparently seen the whole thing. The manager was yelling at Brandt, telling him if he screwed up one more time, he was fired. Brandt was trying to explain, but the manager wasn't buying it, this must have not been the first time something like this happened to Brandt. Poor Brandt. Once the hysterics had finally wore off about five minutes later, we moved onto the next prank.

I snaked my arm around Bella's waist and tried to lead her to 'Housewares', she was still laughing, so she was having a harder time than usual. At one point she tripped and took down an entire row of paper towels. We finally reached the alarm clocks. I dropped my arm from Bella's waist and quickly set all the alarm clocks to go off at two minute intervals. I returned back to Bella and we walked over to the next aisle to wait.

Bella started looking at some picture frames, while I counted down. Finally, it was time. "Five, four," I counted off to Bella, "three, two, one."

_BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP_

One of the alarm clocks started going off. I listened closely.

'_What the hell?'_ One of the employees made his way over to the clocks. He searched through all of them. Finally, he found the right one and switched it off. He was almost out of the aisle when another started beeping. "What the hell?" he repeated, this time out loud.

Suddenly, I heard Bella gasp. I looked over to her. "Is that Brandt?" she asked. I peeked over to the aisle with the clocks. Sure enough there, switching off the alarm clock was Brandt himself, the employee we had just tormented, not ten minutes earlier. By now, three clocks were going off ─ I made sure I had some of them on high shelves.

"God dammit! What the hell is going on?" I heard Brandt exclaim. Poor Brandt, this was just not his day. Oh, no, is that who I think it is? I listened closer.

'_Brandt is in some serious trouble. First, he makes some girl cry, now he's cursing up a storm. What am I going to do with him?'_ The store manager had heard Brandt's loud profanities, along with half the store. "Brandt!" the manager called as he stormed into the aisle with Brandt and the beeping alarm clocks. I listened in for Brandt's thoughts.

'_Oh, damn, it's Mr. Douglas! Now I'm really gonna get fired! I wonder if Target's hiring? Maybe I can make a run for it.' _Oh, no, Brandt. Would he really do that?

"What's going on?" Bella's sweet, angelic voice pulled me out of Brandt's thoughts. I turned to Bella to explain.

"The manager, Mr. Douglas, is planning on firing poor Brandt. Meanwhile, Brandt's contemplating just running away," I told her quietly, whispering in her ear, so that only she could hear. A crowd had appeared when Brandt started cursing, so Bella and I slipped into the crowd. One look at Mr. Douglas said everything. He was an unnatural shade of red, a vein in his forehead looked like it was going to pop.

Finally, Brandt dropped the alarm clock he was holding and took off. He made it all the way out the aisle before bounding straight into Emmett. Brandt ricocheted off of Emmett and into a display of deodorant. The deodorant fell into a big pile, while Brant quickly got back up. He took off running again. Unfortunately, he was wearing very baggy pants. The pants started falling down and before Brandt could pull them up, they fell all the way down his ankles, sending him to the floor, yet again. He finally got back up and pulled up his pants. He was holding his pants up and was now a deep shade of red. Finally, he made it out the door and into the parking lot.

I looked around to everyone's face. The emotions were all clearly displayed. Humor, shock, and astonishment were all evident on all the faces, except Emmett, his face just showed humor, humor, and guess what more humor! Everyone in the crowd burst out into laughter, Emmett had fallen to his knees and was now holding his sides.

"Nice job, Eddie-poo!" Emmett exclaimed through all the laughter. I looked over to the manager, who was walking out of the aisle, shaking his head, the vein in his forehead still pulsating.

After the laughter subsided, Bella and I left Emmett, who was still rolling with laughter. Bella's hand found mine and she led me over to the service counter. There were a few people there so we had to wait in line. When we reached the front, Bella opened her mouth to speak. "Excuse me, miss," she said to the girl, who was looking at me and having very inappropriate fantasies about me. I restrained the urge to roll my eyes at my annoyance with her thoughts. "Could you please page Brandt, I need to talk to him, it's important," Bella stated, while giving the girl a death glare.

"Sure," the girl said, blinking back to reality.

"Thanks," Bella replied politely. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her closer to me, much to the dismay of the girl. I led Bella a couple feet away to 'wait for Brandt'. The girl at the counter picked up the phone and pressed a button. She began speaking over the intercom.

"Could Brandt please report to the service counter. Brandt to the service counter. Thank you." she said. By the time she was finished I was already on the floor. I pulled my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, assuming the fetal position. I started rocking back and forth.

"NO! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" I yelled. I screamed rather loudly and began to dry sob. "STOP THE VOICES!" Bella dropped down to my side and started soothing me.

"It's okay Edward, sweetheart," she told me. I looked at her and widened my eyes, putting on a horrified look.

"NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN BY CLOWNS! LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DEMON ELVES! I WON'T LET SANTA GET ME!" I exclaimed as loud as possible. I barely my face in my knees.

"It's alright, no one's going to hurt you," Bella assured me. "Look around, no one's out to get you." I lifted my head and looked around with a terrified expression.

"No clowns?" I asked Bella.

"No," she told me.

"No elves?"

"None."

"Santa's not going to get me?"

"No, I won't let him."

"Okay." I said warily. Bella helped me off the floor and began leading me away from the crowd. We started laughing as soon as we were out of hearing range. Finally, we were finished with our pranks. I decided it would be fun to see how the others were doing...

_**(A/N) So that's chapter 2! The next one is in Emmett's POV, can you say trouble? I might not be able to update so soon, I'm going camping with my best friend. Any I mean actual camping not the Cullens' definition of camping. No animals will be harmed! Go check out my profile, I have a poll, a challenge, and another story for you to check out! So GO! Just to keep you excited for the next chapter I'll give you the title of it! "Condoms, guns, and anti-depressants" Yeah I know wow right? Anyway til' next time grasshopper! – twilighters-anonymous **_


	3. Condoms, Guns, and AntiDepressants

Chapter 3: Condoms, Guns, and Anti-Depressants

_**A/N: Okay, first I want to thank my awesome beta reader Eregz for well beta-ing! I always forget to thank my beta so I had to add that first. Sorry it's been a while since the update! Life got in the way. First, Breaking Dawn came out, which I don't care what any of you say, Breaking Dawn was **__**amazing!**__** Then, I started hanging out with my bff Savannah, who has only read Twilight (I know horrible right?). Anyway she was dead-set of getting me off of my addiction to Twilight, which is impossible! So, I'm thinking about dropping her as a bff. Just kidding. Then, last week school started. I'm officially a freshman in high school!! Yeah, I'm excited! But anywho, enough with the rambling. Salut! Which means hi/bye in French, which I am taking. So, Salut!**_

**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to the very talented Stephenie Meyer. I just like to play house

with them, I'll be sure to put them away when I'm done. No matter what they tell you, you cannot

buy Edward Cullen on ebay, believe me, I've tried, you just get some old guy from Switzerland.

(Emmett POV)

"Hello? Miss?" I was standing at the pharmacy, ready to begin my first prank. This was going to be good.

"Hello, sir, may I help you?" the pharmacist asked politely, batting her eyes at me. It was a good thing Rosalie wasn't here right now, she would have this girl crying by now.

"Yes," I answered her. "I would like to buy some condoms, please?" Wow, it's been awhile since I've had to buy condoms! Good thing Rose and I don't need them, we'd have to buy them in bulk.

"Um..." she sputtered, blushing. Ha! She has the same reaction to the word 'condom' as Bella! "There's a whole aisle of them over there," she said, pointing to a nearby aisle where I could tell there were _a lot_ of condoms.

"Wow! How many are there?" I asked, incredulous, by the amount.

"One hundred forty-two. Oh, no, wait! Trojan just came out with the cherry flavor. So one hundred forty-three," she said, matter-of-factly. I just stared at her. I couldn't imagine that many _different_ condoms. I also didn't expect her to answer my question, it was more of a rhetorical question. But that was an interesting little fun fact. _**(A/N: Speaking of fun facts, did you know that pigs can have an orgasm that lasts for up to thirty minutes?!)**_

"Okay, thanks," I said before I walked to the aisle with all the condoms. My eyes quickly began scanning the boxes. Mint flavor, cherry, sour apple, ─ I wonder what makes them sour ─ bubble gum, small, medium, large, extra large, XXL, XXXL, ─ wow, someone's dreaming big. No pun intended. Hmmm...how about large in cherry. Wait! Is that _glow in the dark?!_ Cool! I might have to get me some of them! I grabbed some boxes of each and put aside a box of glow in the dark ─ for experimental purposes. I stuck all the condoms in a basket and began looking for victims. I came across a boy about 13 or 14 years old shopping with his mother. Perfect! I waited until they were both distracted and, using my vampire speed, quickly buried five boxes of condoms in their cart.

Next, I found an old lady, about 84 years old, slowly making her way through the store. I put about eight boxes in her cart. Ew. I feel sorry for the cashier and the mental images he will have. _**(A/N: I to am sorry for the mental images.)**_ I decided to keep the last five boxes to make water balloons out of. Glow in the dark water balloon fight!

Now that I was finished with that, it was time to move on. I began to make my way to the hunting department. I can't believe humans have to use all this crap, just to take down a deer. Can you say _boring?_ Where was the fight ─ for the deer that is. Humans had to be the most boring creatures to ever walk the face of the Earth! Well, with one exception. It's always fun to watch Bella fall down. Even if she doesn't get to hear half of the jokes I make inside of my head about her, it's enough just to annoy the hell out of Edward.

Once I was in the hunting department, where all the guns where held, I began to mope around and pretend to be depressed. I picked up one of the guns. It was some kind of rifle. I began to toy with it and turn it around in my hands. After a few minutes, I walked up to the clerk, who was standing behind a counter with a cash register and more hunting supplies.

"Hello sir, how may I help you today?" the clerk asked politely. I looked down at his name tag quickly before answering.

"Well, Wes, I would like to purchase this gun," I said, pointing to the gun I had sat on the counter. I made sure I made my voice as gloomy as possible.

"Okay, well do you have a gun license?" I pulled out my wallet slowly and took out the gun license Alice had given me earlier that morning. She was always prepared. I handed the license over. Wes looked at it and my ID before giving me some papers to sign and purchasing the gun for me. When he was done, I asked him my question, so I could complete my prank.

"Wes," I started, "do you happen to know where the anti-depressants are?" I watched as Wes's face went white. If I couldn't smell him I would have thought he was a vampire.

"A-aisle f-four," he replied, shakingly.

"Thanks," I replied before grabbing the gun and walking away with my shoulders slumped and my head down. I could barely contain my laughter until I was out of sight and ear-shot. I wonder what Edward and Bella are up too?

**End Chapter**

_**(A/N): Haha! I crack myself up! Okay a three things before you hound me with questions. One, the reason I know about the whole pig orgasm thing is because my sister got this email that said it. It also said that dolphins and humans are the only creatures that have sex for pleasure. So why do pigs need thirty minute orgasms if they don't enjoy it? Also, people who write with their right hand live nine years longer than people who write with their left hand. Sorry lefties!**_ _**Two, I'm only fourteen, therefore I don't know anything about condoms except that their not 100 effective and that they come in sizes and flavors, but I do know they have glow in the dark. Quick joke:**_ _**Why do they make glow in the dark condoms? ... So gay guys can play 'Star Wars'. Three, again, I'm only 14 therefore I don't know how to buy a gun except you have to have a gun license and your ID. Okay, I think that's it! OH! Also, just for you people who are living under a rock, the 'Twilight' movie is coming out three weeks early on November 21, 2008. Apparently, 'Harry Potter' got moved to next summer**_ _**for some reason that does **__**not**__** relate to 'Twilight'. Okay, rambling done, for now. Salut! – twilighters-anonymous.**_


	4. Distractions

Chapter 4: Distractions

_**A/N: Do not hate me! It's taken me so long to update because of school, procrastination, and hurricane Ike. Even though I live in southern Indiana, on 9/14/08, which was a Sunday, we got 70 mph winds because of the hurricane. Therefore, we didn't have power for two days! It was hell! Luckily, we live across from an Urgent Care Center, so that was one of the first places to get power. Some people won't get power for another two weeks! And we haven't had school all week! Which, would be great except for the fact that those days are counted as snow days, so if we have anymore no school days then we have to make them up in the summer, which sucks!**_ _**Anyway, sorry about the ranting!**_ _**Back to the story, most of this chapter, okay pretty much all of it except for like two paragraphs, is the work of my best little munchkin of a friend**_ _**Connie. (No joke, she is actually only 4ft 11in tall and weighs 68lbs! Yea, she's tiny and she's 14 yrs old!)**_ _**She just lost her virginity to writing fanfiction! This is her first bit of writing on Fanfiction! Her username is I-really-do-bite. I'll tell you when she puts any stories up, but right now, she has no electricity. The stuff in bold is what I wrote, the rest is all her. By the way, there are no pranks in this chapter, but there is a lot**_ _**of messing with Mike, so that's always fun. It's a pretty funny chapter, so enjoy!**_

**Disclaimer:** I almost had the rights to own _Twilight_ but the wind blew it away. So sadly these amazing characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Also, the extremely awesome store of Wal-Mart belongs to who ever owns Wal-Mart. Seriously does anyone know who owns Wal-Mart? Maybe his name is Wally. But it's not me, so don't sue! I have no money and my parents have to pay for people to fix our roof! And I like our roof, missing shingles and all.

(Edward's POV)

I saw Mike Newton out of the corner of my an got an idea when I heard his thoughts.

'_Bella is here with Cullen. I'll bet she'll see me any minute and realize she is madly in love_ _with me!'_

Poor delusional Mike.

"Bella," I whispered. She spun around to meet my gaze. That's when I bent my lips down softly to hers. I couldn't exactly remember when, but sometime during that kiss I had pushed Bella against the aisle wall, and had one of her hands pinned to the shelf above her head, while her other hand knotted in my hair. My free hand rested on her hip. I forgot Mike was standing a couple of feet away from us, but was brought back to the time and place by the thoughts running through his little mind.

'_What is he doing to my future girlfriend?!'_

I almost laughed when another thought passed through his brain and once again into my ears.

'_I know why her eyes are closed! She's wishing she was kissing me! HAHA!'_

Emmett was suddenly behind me. "Ahem," he cleared his throat. "EDWARD!" he screeched after a minute. I broke the kiss and looked over to Mike, who held his jaw agape. I tangled my fingers with Bella's and walked over to him.

"Catching flies, are we Mike?" I asked innocently. It took him a minute to answer verbally, but mentally, he was seething with anger.

'_No! He can't do that! He can't kiss my girlfriend! She can't kiss him! GOD! I hate you Cullen! If you hadn't pinned her hand over her head and practically crushed her into the wall, she'd have seen me and been all over me! Grrr!'_

"No," he abruptly closed his mouth and glared at me. Mike was starting to unintentionally annoy me, by thinking about him and Bella in ways that couldn't really be considered PG-13. A growl erupted from the back of my throat. Although it was too soft for Mike's ears, Bella, having heard it before, caught it in an instant. The images didn't stop.

"Mike," I started, "would you please shut up?" Bella gave me a stern look as I scowled at Mike. Although Mike backed away, the images pouring through his head didn't cease. I saw every one of them.

"**Edward, what did I tell you about saying things like that to people?" Bella scolded me.**

"**That it's rude and I shouldn't do it," I paused, then grinned evilly and said, "Or you'll have to punish me, although your punishments are very pleasurable," I looked at Mike.**

'_**No! Ew! No! He can't do that kind of thing with her! Ew! Dirty mental images!'**_

**A series of mental images of Bella and I flowed through his mind before he could stop them. Good. Serves him right. Huh, in his mind, Bella is much more flexible. Huh, I wonder if that position is even possible! We might have to try it sometime when Bella is more durable.**

Having enough of Mike, I turned and walked away at a slow pace. Bella attempted to follow me, but tripped and fell. She groaned and picked herself up off the floor. It looked like she was going to pass out, I couldn't figure out why. Then it hit me, burned in the back of my throat, and clouded my mind. I wanted to run to her, catch her incase she fell again, but I was becoming almost as dizzy as her. Pain glistened in her eyes, fear in mine. The smell was so strong, Emmett had to sprint away. Mike looked at us with confusion written on his face at what he was witnessing.

"Edward," she spoke weakly, "don't be brave. Just walk away." For Mike's benefit, she was trying to add a cheery demeanor into her voice.

'_What does she mean by "don't be brave"? I'll bet he's afraid of blood! HA!'_

Mike if only you knew...

I shook my head and watched her as she sped off to the bathroom. I glared silently at Mike, while I waited for her to come out.

Minutes later, she emerged, all clean. No more blood pouring out of her arm. Back to normal. I gave her a kiss and smirked at Mike, before walking away with Bella to find my siblings.

'_God! What the crap! Dude's a freak and he still gets the girl! It's his fault she gets hurt, and she _still _runs back to him! God! What a day!'_

Now these thoughts made me snarl in anger. How was it my fault?

Bella looked at me curiously. "Excuse me please, Bella, while I go pummel our friend Mike into a bloody freaking pulp!" I said calmly to her.

"No, Edward. No inflicting bodily harm on anyone in our school," she replied sternly.

"But, Bella! You should have seen what he was thinking!" I whined.

"Don't care now come on!"

_**A/N: Okay, so that's chapter 4. The pranks will be back in the next chapter, so don't get your panties in a knot! The next chapter will be in Jasper's POV I think. So, like I said, the stuff in bold was what I added and everything else was written by Connie. If you would like to leave a review, be sure to include who the review is for, me (Kelsey or twilighters-anonymous) or Connie (or I-really-do-bite). Thanks. I'll tell you all when she puts her first story up. She's got I story finished and when her power comes back on she'll post it. She also has two other unfinished stories. I might help her write one of them. But, I'll tell you anything important! So, now that this chapter is out of the way, I will go finish **_**La Bella Italia**. _**I wrote**__**the second chapter when I wrote the first I just haven't posted it. Also, I have a one-shot titled 'Getting Caught' that I need to post. I also, have a new story that I have the first chapter for, but I won't work on it until this story is done. I have a lot of ideas for one-shots and stories. My brain is working faster than my fingers. Anywho, that is all for now.– twilighters-anonymous.**_


	5. Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Big?

**Chapter 5: "Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Big?"**

**Disclaimer:** I was hacking into Stephenie Meyer's computer to steal the rights to _Twilight_, but Santa showed up and told me if I did it he would put me on the naughty list and I wouldn't get the _Twilight_ stuff for Christmas that I asked for. Damn persuading fat guy in a red suit!

_**A/N:**__** Ho Ho Ho!!!!!! Stop pinching yourself! You are not dreaming! This really is Kelsey and this really is Chapter 5 of "15 Things..."! I know. Shocking. Yeah, when I let Connie read this chapter first, because she's my best friend, she has that right, she started singing "Hallelujah". The worst part is, we were in the middle of the hallway at school. I guess I shouldn't be embarrassed, I sing in the halls too, loudly. Okay, I'm not even going to make up excuses. So, without any further ado, here is my Christmas/ Haunika (how do you spell that? My sister and I can't figure it out) /Kwanza, whatever holiday you celebrate, gift to you! Enjoy! And thanks for the no death threats. **_

**(Jasper's POV)**

All day I had felt like a chameleon changing colors every ten minutes. It seemed as if there was a new emotion coming at me everytime I turned around. It went from Bella's excitement, to Edward's frustration about not knowing _what_ she was so excited about. To Emmett's _extreme_ excitement and evil planning, to Rosalie's annoyance to Emmett's evil planning.__To Alice's worry at being seen at Wal-Mart (gasp!). To the store clerk's embarrassment at being yelled and running out of the store with his pants falling down, to the manager's anger with Brandt. To Mike's shock at seeing Edward and Bella making out, to Edward and Bella's lust, and finally to Emmett's annoyance, but amusement at the whole Mike/Bella/Edward scene.

Whew, there had been _a lot_ of emotions today! And it wasn't even two o'clock yet!

But, at last, it was _finally_ time for my pranks.

My first prank would be with Emmett, who had just found me after taking a Wal-Mart bag full of boxes of condoms out to the car. For what, I have no idea.

As we made our way to our first prank together, I couldn't help but to be a little annoyed by the lustful emotions we received from every female human we passed. It was times like these that I truly felt sorry for Edward and his mind-reading capabilities.

When we finally made it to one of the large mirrors by the clothes racks, Emmett loudly asked, "Jazzy do these pants make my butt look big?"

I stifled a giggle and replied in a somewhat homosexual voice, "No, Emmy! Those pants make your butt look great! I could only _wish_ to have as great a butt as you!"

"Oh, thanks, sweetheart! Do you really mean it? Or are you just trying to make me feel good about myself?"

By now, people were starting to pretend to be looking at the clothes, while really watching our conversation. I decided to give them a bit of a show, "Emmy, I really, truly _love_ your butt! It's just so..._firm_!" I said as I reached out to give his butt a little squeeze. From behind me I heard a little gasp, coming from one of the girls, who, up until recently, had been ogling Emmett and I. "But, Emmy, I have to ask you something...." I sighed sadly. "Does this shirt make me look like I have man boobs?" I asked while puffing out my chest to get my point across better.

Emmett gasped loudly, then, in a shocked voice, said, "Jazzy! Don't you even think like that! Most guys would _kill_ to have a chest like yours! Remember what we learned from Richard: be proud of your body! Okay?"

"You're right, you're _totally_ right. I'm sorry I doubted myself."

"Alright, now, give me a hug, Jazzy." he said before pulling me into a giant bear hug he usually only gives Bella, only rubbing my back, which was kinda creepy.

"Better?" I nodded my head "yes". "Okay. Good. Now, you finish up here. I'm going to see if they have any of those strawberry Slimfast shakes."

"Alright," I agreed. "Oh! See if they have any of those chocolate ones! I've been craving chocolate _a lot_ lately."

_**End Chapter**_

_**A/N:**__** Yes! Chapter 5 done! Don't worry, I know it's a little short, but I'm going to try and get another chapter out before winter break is over. 4 more days til' Christmas! YAY! But there's no snow! Only a frozen front door. My sister told me it was 4 degrees this morning! Anyway, in case you were wondering, the reference to "Richard" by Emmett was **_**Richard Simmons**_**. He's the guy who has curly hair, kinda going bald, wears ugly short, shorts and sleeveless shirts and is on a yogurt commercial saying "Come on ladies! You can do it! Believe in yourself! I believe in you!" He's funny in a creepy I'm-going-to-kill-you way. By the way, I just realized that the title to the last chapter, "Distractions" is the same as chapter 6 in **_**Breaking Dawn**_**! Weird. Well, that's it. Happy Holidays!~twilighters-anonymous. **_


	6. Mission Possible

Chapter 6: Mission Impossible

(A/N: Okay. I know I promised another chapter before winter break was over and I never updated, but I'll explain at the bottom. I'm writing today because we just got a lot of snow and ice so no school yesterday, today, or tommorrow! Kinda sucks though, we still don't know if we have to make up for the week we missed because of the wind storm! We might be in school until June! Sorry if some of the words are spelled wrong but I can't seem to spell right today and my Microsoft Word won't open, so I'm using Notepad and it doesn't have spell check. So, anyway, here's the chapter and I'll talk to you at the bottom.)

(JasperPOV)

Ugh! The vile smells! How could anyone stand to eat this crap? Humans smell much better!

I was currently walking through the food aisles, grimacing at all the digusting human food.\

Alice had just given me some black clothes to change into. And, of course, like everything else she bought, they were designer. I wondered if there was a special designer that made ski masks and other clothes that were good if you were planning on robbing a bank.

Oh, well, I thought. Might as well begin my next prank.

I walked to the main part of the food section, which was the most crowded section in the store, besides the checkout lanes and the door.

As soon as I got there, I shrunk into a crouch and began to "dart around suspiciosly". I made sure my crouching and darting around didn't look too scary.

I began humming the Mission Impossible theme song while I darted around. (A/N: Just take a minute, close your eyes, and just picture it.)

After a few minutes of this, a woman, who looked to be somewhere in her forties, approached me.

"Excuse me, sir," she said to me. "But, I'm going to have to ask you to either stop 'darting around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme song' or leave the store. You're starting to freak the other customers out."

"Oh, I applogize ma'am," With this she gave me a polite smile and walked briskly away.

So, no humming the Mission Impossible theme song? Well, that sucks. Oh, well...I guess I'll just have to switch songs.

As I began my darting around once again, I started to hum the Pink Panther theme song. At least it wasn't some vampire movie theme song.

Once again, after a few minutes of this, the lady returned.

"Sir, I thought I asked you to stop humming!" she exclaimed, exasperated.

"Oh, you did. You told me to stop humming the Mission Impossible theme song. Now, I'm humming the Pink Panther theme song. But, if you wish, I will stop humming all together. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go get some funnels." I began to walk away, leaving the woman in the foods section.

Before I went to the automobile section, I changed back into my regular clothes.

Once changed, I was off to the automobile section for my next prank.

I went straight to the funnels. I picked out two funnels of different sizes and walked over to the man at the service desk.

"Hello, sir, how may I help you today?" the man asked.

"Well, you see, I was planning on getting breast implants and I wanted your opinion." I held both of the funnels up to my chest. "Now, which one looks better?"

"Umm...well, I..." The man's finger began to inch its way over to the phone and he pressed a button, making the phone begin to ring. "Oh, excuse me, but I must take this." He picked up the phone, but with my vampire hearing I could tell there was no one on the other line. "Hello? Yes. Yes. Oh! Really?! Oh, okay! I'll be right there!" He hung up and turned back to me. "Excuse me, sir, but I must go. Goodbye!" And with that he disappeared.

Oh, well, better just go see what Alice thinks.

END CHAPTER

A/N: There, chapter and Jasper's POV over! I only have Alice and Rosalie's chapters and an epilouge of sorts to do. So, the reason I didn't update was because, well it was the holidays, can you blame me? Probably not. I got new books for Christmas and I had to read them. Also, a lot of things have happened in the past few weeks and I didn't feel like updating. First, we found out my dog (who I've had since I was six, he's eight years old. Red doberman pinsher. Named Rocky. So awesome and cute!) had a tumor and bone cancer in his leg. A few days later he went missing for about 2 hours. When we finally found him he was in my neighbor's yard throwing up. We brought him home and he threw up for about 15 minutes. Two days later, my parents had him put to sleep. (It was obvious he was in pain and wasn't going to last much longer.) Also, my great uncle died. My grandma fell on Christmas eve and is in a nursing home because she has hardly any muscles. She also thought for a while that my sister locked her in the basement (which she doesn't have), but now she isn't dulusional and doesn't hate my sister. lol. Lastly, I got braces. Which suck! But that's it. We are looking to adopt a new dog because our home is very lonely and big without Rocky. Any suggestions on a breed would be great. Go check out my new C2 called Beyond Forks. Bye!~twilighters-anonymous. 


	7. The Real Reason Alice Was in an Insane A

1**Chapter****7: The Real Reason Alice Was in an Insane Asylum**

**Disclaimer:** So, I had the rights to _Twilight_ but then The Phantom of the Opera decided he didn't like me. So he phantomed into my room, stole the rights to _Twilight_, and gave them to Stephenie Meyer. So, she owns _Twilight_ not be.

_**(AlicePOV)**_

I can't believe someone would actually shop here! Oh, no! Did that tag just say 100 percent polyester?! Gross! Oh, well. I guess not everyone can look fabulous _all _the time. At least I can make sure that Bella can!

Well, if I'm going to hide in a rack, it might as well be one that isn't filled with _completely_ hideous clothes! This one doesn't look _too_ horrible.

Glancing around me to make sure no one was watching, I quickly ducked into the middle of the square clothing rack. Once in, I turned around and arranged the clothes to where no one could see me. Now, all I had to do was wait.

I waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, after about 15 minutes of waiting, a woman in her mid-sixties started browsing through the ugly clothes. When she finally started going through the clothes next to me, I jumped out yelling, "Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!"

"Oh my lord! Jesus save me!" The lady screamed before dropping the clothing items she had and running away. Very quickly for a human, I might add.

Now, for the next prank. The prank that in my opinion was the best on the entire list!

I decided this prank would be best preformed in the front of the store, near the checkout lanes.

"How could you do this to me?" I asked to the air, pretending to talk to someone. "I thought you loved me! What's her name? Huh? Oh, don't pretend like there isn't another girl! I'm not stupid! No, I will not stop yelling! Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you did _that_ with _her_!" With this I began to cry, loudly.

"Well, no more! I'm done with this! I'm done with you! I'm leaving you! Don't touch me!" I pretended like someone was trying to grab my arm and acted like I was kicking someone. "No! Don't!" I then fell to the floor like someone was beating me. " Ow! Stop! Leave me alone!" I was now rolling on the floor, pretending to be in pain. After a few minutes of this, I finally got up and walked away. Pretending like nothing happened.

As soon as I was in an empty aisle, I began to shake with laughter. Soon, Jasper joined me. Apparently, he had been standing nearby watching.

Once the laughter finally subsided, I decided it was time for Jasper and I to find a nice janitor's closet for some alone time.

* * *

END CHAPTER

_**Author's Note:**__** So, I hope you liked the chapter. So sorry it took so long to update! I just really wasn't in a writing mood. Special thanks to **_**ForeverTwilight-Nikki**_** for PMing me about being so slow. I got her PM and I decided to write the rest of this chapter (I had half done already). I guess I just needed a little push. The good news is that it won't happen again! When I was writing, I finished this chapter and couldn't stop, so, I ended up cranking out two more chapters. Which means I have all of this story done! Yay me. I'm beastly. The next chapter is Rosalie's POV then there's a short epilogue. I might not get the last two chapters out tonight. They **_**are **_**written, but I hand write all my stuff, so, I just have to type them. Should be out by tomorrow, probably today though. Depends on if my dad is bugging me to get off the computer. So, I'm gonna go type the last chapters up! ~ twilighters-anoymous**_


	8. How You Doin?

Chapter 8: "How You Doin'?"

Disclaimer: Roses are red, violet's are blue, I don't own Twilight, and neither do you!

(RosaliePOV)

I can't believe I'm really in a Walmart! This is so gross! I would feel bad about being so vain if it weren't for the fact that every time I was near Alice, I could practically feel the disgust rolling off her in waves. I may not have Jasper's powers, but that didn't mean I couldn't tell. She thought this was just as gross as I thought it was.

I was currently walking around the store looking for my first "victim", so to speak. Why is it so difficult to find decent help in this place?

Finally, I spotted someone. He was a short, chubby, bald man, perhaps in his thirties, his name tag said "Joey" on it. His glasses were duct taped in the middle.

I walked up to him and in an official tone said, "Code 3 in housewares."

At this his eyes went wide. "Oh, no! There's a wild monkey running wild?! They told me this would never happen! I guess they were wrong!"

With this, he ran, more like quickly waddled away in the direction of housewares.

Huh, why would there ever be a wild monkey running wild? And why would they make a code for it? Oh, well, it doesn't really matter.

Now, for my next "victims". If it wasn't stupid and totally the Volture's thing, I would have laughed evilly.

Near the electronics department, I spotted two teenagers about fifteen years old, holding hands. Perfect.

I marched up to them, putting on my sexy look I usually used on Emmett.

"Hi there." I said coyly to the boy, ignoring the girl. "What's a big boy like you doing in a smalltown like this?"

"Umm.... I kinda have a girlfriend," he said, gesturing to the now very angry girl next to him.

"Oh! Hi, there!" I said, now talking to the girl. "What's a big girl like you doing in a small town like this?" I flirted with her the same way I flirted with the boy, batting my eyes for emphasis.

The girl just gave me a wide-eyed look and walked away, pulling her boyfriend with her.

I began giggling as soon as they were out of earshot. Moments later, I felt Emmett's strong arms wrap around my waist and his lips at my ear.

"Hmm...girl on girl action. Now, that's hot. I simply rolled my eyes.

"Come on, let's get everyone so we can go home," I said, pulling him by his shirt towards the exit.

***END CHAPTER***

A/N: I hope you liked it! This is officially the last chapter. After this there is just a short epilogue. The part where Rosalie says, "What's a big girl/boy like you doin' in a small town like this?" is making fun of my older brothers. When we were little, they'd go up to people and say that to them. I really have no room to talk, I sniffed people's butts. No joke. I'm so ashamed of my younger self, but then again, aren't we all? Also, the chapter title and the employee named Joey are my way of saying that the show "FRIENDS" and Joey on that same show are amazing. That's all. ~ twilighters-anonymous :-) 


	9. Epilogue

1**Chapter 9 : Epilogue**

**Disclaimer:** This is the last time I'll ever have to write one of these for this story. I don't own Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does. I don't own Mastercard either. I don't know who does, but they're probably rich.

_**(BellaPOV)**_

_**About two weeks later...**_

Alice, Jasper, Edward, and I were currently sitting in the Cullen's living room, just talking.

Suddenly, Emmett came bounding in, dragging an irritated-looking Rosalie behind him.

"What's going on Emmett?" Edward asked suspiciously. "Why are you blocking your thoughts from me?"

"Be patient for two minutes, Edward," Emmett replied, annoyed.

"Actually, thirty-seven seconds," Alice spoke up.

"Well, then turn on the t.v.!" Emmett said, eagerly bouncing in the seat he now sat in, with Rosalie seated on his lap.

The television was turned on and soon a MasterCard commercial came on.

There was a girl in her teens making a trail of tomato juice to the women's restroom at a Walmart store.

The MasterCard voice came on and said, "Tomato juice: $2.65."

It then showed a boy hiding condom's in an elderly lady's cart.

The voice returned: "20 boxes of condoms: $26.99."

The next scene was of a Walmart employee running out of the store with his pants falling down.

The voice returned for the last time. "Annoying the pants off of Walmart employees: priceless. There are some things in life money can't buy, but for everything else, there's MasterCard."

*****END STORY!*****

_**A/N:**__** So, that's it. No more. Sad, I know. The funny thing is, I've had the idea for this last part since, like, chapter two. Haha. This story has been a pain, but I have to admit I'll miss it. It's my first fanfiction, so, it's like my baby. If you just have this story on alert or if you don't, you should add me to your author's alert, so you know when I write a new story! I have **_**lots**_** of ideas. Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed this story. Thanks for coming along for the ride with me. ~twilighters-anonymous.**_


	10. Contest!

**Hey everyone!**

I know it has been a really, really long time since I've written anything, but I just wanted to announce that I have a new one-shot! It's entered in the TLS Lyrics and Lemons Contest. Unfortunately, the contest is anonymous, so I can't tell you which entry is mine. But, I can tell you go read all of the entries! There are a lot of really great ones. Voting starts July 16th and ends July 23rd. There is a People's Choice award, so make sure you read all of the entries and vote for your favorite! Winners will be announced sometime between July 30th and August 1st. After winners are announced and the contest is over, I will post my entry, so you can see which one is mine. I'll also post a playlist I made while writing it. So, go read and vote!

Contest page (remove spaces): http :/ www. fanfiction. net/u/2942359/

~ Kelsey


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